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3 conversation categories

From the book Supercommunicators - How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

  • How do we feel?
    If someone speaks about their feelings, share your feelings instead of giving advice.
  • What is this really about?
    If someone is planning something and making a collective decision, respond with practical advice.
  • Who are we?
    The most common category ?!
    Requires us to understand peoples identities and social relationships.
  • helped, heard or hugged. (or vent solve support)

Reddit summary

Recognize and adapt to different types of conversations: practical, emotional, and social.

I was working as a manager at the time, and I turned out to be terrible at it. I was okay at the strategy part and logistics, but it was the communication that I just messed up. I would fall into this pattern with my wife, where I would come home after a long day at work, and then start complaining about my boss and my co-workers. And she would very reasonably suggest some advice like, “why don’t you take your boss out to lunch, so you guys can get to know each other a little bit better?” And instead of being able to hear her, I would get even more upset. And then she would get upset because I was suddenly yelling at her just for giving me advice.

The first is all parties knowing that they are really discussing – and as you can imagine many marital disputes are the examples here, when people argue about one thing but really it is symbolic of another.  These never end well unless the injured party is able to identify what is really going on, or unless the other party asks deep questions to get to the real point.

The second part is getting to how you feel about the topic at hand, and this was the most relevant section of the book.  Contrary to what you might think, many people do want to talk about their feelings and will open up readily under the right circumstances – which is largely to do with how well we show we are listening.  Repeating back for understanding and establishing reciprocal vulnerability are important here, as I am sure we have all seen in our own lives.  This is why communication online is more explosive – there is less empathy when responding to words on a screen than with people.

The third conversation is about values and identity.  Things we hold true about ourselves shape our conversations. This can create rapport if you find shared values and identities, or can build barriers.  But all of us have many identities, parent, business owner, sports fan and so on and acknowledging at times the complexities of this can be interesting.